Im getting there.

Today i got to the point that i realized that i am at school. It has been 3 almost 4 weeks and today i realized how behind i am and how little i care. I don't know what to expect from school anymore. Last year it almost seemed to be exciting and new and then this year it is just old news and i feel no excitement towards work or projects. You would think that because i am in art that this would be exciting and new and fun - but i just feel like art is being pushed on me and it almost feels time consuming. In total reality what am i going to do after i leave here. Reality? nothing important probably, or i will end up going to school again for something not at all relevant to what i am here for now.
Gahhh, i think it is the absence of everything around me. Or maybe even the load of things around me. Work it probably the number one downfall after school. It is extremely boring and the people are ok. The only reason i am there is because i have a shopping problem and spend to much money on clothes, music, and coffee. It just works out that way i guess.
And in a way i miss home. I miss my family and friends and in a way - i really hate to say this i kind of miss oakville. things just seemed less complicated compared to living here. Money is stressful.

Point in case Money is stressful. i love spending it, but can't save it. hummmm. i need to work more.

i like to over react.

Iknow, in the midst of my over thinking mind there is some settle ground that keeps me sane. I actually have a headache from thinking so much today. My head feels the pain.

Sometimes i wish i kept a journal of entries of stories or things i have thought up, and then they can be printed for me to read or and edit and thought that realized how i constantly over think things. But what if i am not over thinking things and thinking them through properly - abd that is something i do not want to be missing out on.

my mind makes up situations the a) could very possibly happen b) would never happen. or c) could be happening at the moment.
you never know what happens when your not around. things work in mysterious ways i know that.

but in all honesty i am really put in a awkward situation right now, and it sucks. and i don't know if i should confront the person and see what happens. but if i let things happen - this situation - in my head - terribly hard and my head will definitely hurt more then this. Although it is 2:30 in the morning and i am incredibly tired.
but due to this 'situation' i am in a bad state to sleep .

i hate this.

ok, so in spite -

I spite i will.....

believe a liar as a figure to a trusting daughter.
take as much form one as i can.
Leave to never deal with the situation.

All very ridiculous and upsetting to think, 'hey, this is a good idea.' Which it is not. And finally i got to the point where i feel as if I am being unreasonable or more like it irrational to a person i am suppose to confide in through every aspect of life. I just don't see how a person can being so unbearably two-faced and narrowminded at the same time. As if making the decision to start the a family was forced in the beginning. To add a point it probably was just because, they, as in, this person I am reffering to doesn't know how to raise a family, because they were:
a) never taught
b) never cared
c) never had a chance
d) never had time.
or e) stuck in a bad situation and left with something already started without you.

I can understand the situation, and i really don't like it.

i hate living at home.

talking trash under you breath

so i finally got a day off and with it i transform my new-vintage gloria vanderbilt classic blue jeans into highwaisted blue shorts. they are cute i must say. and discovered that a older purchase at vv boutique is infact an authentic vintage chanel scarf, which i got for a mere 3 dollers. bloaw bloaw.
check it out at daluckyones.blogspot.com.

anyway this weekend my and the ak are ventureing up to home, and by that i mean kingston to explore my new house and paint that dirty messs! i am overly excited because i get to be with my baby at school just like before summer started.

Today while i traveled for 14 hours of my day, i realized.

at times i wish i were a hobbit.
scampper through the tall grass and lookup to different arrays of colours from the blooming flowers.
gaze up into the sky and watch the trees sway.
it seems so alluring.

it's been a while

So i haven't written on here in a long long time, and it almost seems weird.
i miss it in a self expressive mystery kind of way, you know.

this weekend tired out to be a complete drain, minus the attendance of my amazing ak, that came down for almost a week and ahemm "missed" his train on friend. Which made me extraordinarily happy.
So from an accumulation of waiting at my fathers hand and foot and the distant help from my siblings, my weekend with my baby was overtaken by too many hours sitting in a energy powered car listening to hip hop and pondering about the seemingly endless traffic. So all in all, though happy to see my ak, the annoyance of my non responsive family made my week a bust as in, i wish it didn't happen, or so annoyed i wish i work, or most applicable i wish i was in windsor this weekend.

soon enough i will be in windsor soaking the sun and drinking iced coffees with my amazing ak. Or even higher hopes, I will be in Kingston soaking the rays in my house, in my room, with my room mates and late night sneak ins.

I want to bake. I want cookies or cupcakes so i can put effort into making. Or maybe i just want to sleep. Actually i just want to read, read a novel that is interesting or at least more interesting then my extremely boring life i hold.

Working at second cup is really, really becoming a drag. I enjoy the people and free coffee but 1. the hours suck with means a. i have so much time to do nothing and b. i have no money. and c. if i wanted to do something i have no money to do so. you know?
2. i just want to go to kingston so thinking about working to go back to pay for a house kills me. andd
3. i think we all know this reason, and i am just not going to say it because i am just getting repetitive.

i just want to take my kitty to kingston.

for some reason, i am unbearably tired.
I don't know why, but i just was lying down and fell asleep like 6 times and worke up again.
and i am still so tired.
i hope i am not sick cause that would suck, incredibly.

I just want to go back.

it is too frustrating here. I can't get around anywhere, i spend all my fucking money on food and shit and i can't be with my baby. I hate this town, it is so cliche with everything in it. so ordinary so alike, it sickens me. I just want to go back and not have to depend on this house anymore because it always fucks up.
I am trying to prove i am independent but i am not, or they always make me feel like i am not. i just want to be able to not depend on anything anymore, cause then ill never get fucked over. gah, i am just so frustrated with being here wasting my days inside doing nothing, i am bored with myself so i spend money and become more dependent. i hate it here. i just want my baby and to go back.

Summer in the city

I found a song, well re-listened to a song by regina spektor and realized this so is amazing and lyrically lifting in a cynical kind of way.

Summer in the city means cleavage cleavage cleavage
And I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
I've been staying up and drinking in a late night establishment
Telling strangers personal things

Summer in the city, I'm so lonely lonely lonely
So I went to a protest just to rub up against strangers
And I did feel like coming but I also felt like crying
It doesn't seem so worth it right now

And the castrated ones stand in the corner smoking
They want to feel the bulges in their pants start to rise
At the site of a beautiful woman they feel nothing but
Anger, her skin makes them sick in the night nauseaous, nauseaous, nauseaous

Summer in the city, I'm so lonely lonely lonely
I've been hallucinating you, babe, at the backs of other women
And I tap on their shoulder and they turn around smiling
But there's no recognition in their eyes

Oh summer in the city means cleavage cleavage cleavage
And don't get me wrong, dear, in general I'm doing quite fine
It's just when it's summer in the city, and you're so long gone from the city
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes

When it's summer in the city
And you're so long gone from the city
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes


My baby is coming tonight, i am so excited i don't even know what to do with myself. i miss him so much. Basically listen to rural alberta advantage - The air. that is how i feel without him.

hum

honest question. do you think old people cheat of their elderly partners?
i mean if young people are unhappy in relationship - then must old people, they are at thhe last of their ages. I can
t even imagine finding out if you were the other perople (getting cheated on) so in love with the person that your with them for so long, that you choose to stay with them untill you die, and you find out the don't love you, and your left to mourn in thought i may never fall in love again. you only fall in love a limited amount of times in your life.
hum, just a question

on my own.

Honestly, I know working is good and you make money - and clearly I am one to talk because I think I spend an obscene amount of money on clothes, shoes, and accessories. But, I have to stop. It is getting out of hand because I need money for school because -
a) I go to school for art, meaning i have to pay for supplies OUCH!
b) I go to one of the most expensive schools in Ontario - Queens OUCH!
c) I am kinda a vegetarian/only buy organic food OUCH!
d) I have to buy art books and beyondddddd - OUCH.

So in reality I shouldn't go shopping every week and always buy something/buy food, when I can make it at home, or buy coffee seeing as how I get it at work for free.
Also, I spend money on trainsssss, lots of trains. Trains to toronto and back, Kingston and dearly Windsor (L). As much as I love going to these places and loove the people in these places - it is expensive, not to mention even driving. Goddamn gas.

I have had a splitting head ache all day and i freely chose to get cooffee, lovely. not fun. Also, my baby left to Chicago today. Even thought it is closer to me, i ccan;t hear his voice and it kills me. i miss him so much.

I just came up with the idea - I am going to make a shopping blog. I get bored alot and i like taking pictures so ill take picture of everything I buy/find/alter or stuff other people buy/find/alter.

starting nowwww or tomorrow. i am tired right now and have to wake up at 5.

IN ALL SINCERITY..

THIS MEANS THE WORLD TO ME. humm, what a beautiful song dedicated to being straight edge. <3 lulz.

i miss hardcore/puck and all it has to offer. Unlike new wave music that is out there, i am sorry but aka electroica, i feel like it is emotionless and unsatisfactory. I need something more energetic, lively i guess i mean something with background something that is wanted or needed to be said - and not just danceable (which it is all very danceable, but in a much more violent way) when I hear when people are passionate about this music, they seem so interested about what they are talking about and so concentrated and honestly i am sorry to the wonderful hipsters out there, i feel like i wasted my time on electronica/house/dance. I know in a way these artists make music to make music, and aren't just doing it so the sake of the scene surrounding it, or at least i hope not.


I am at work right now, like everyother day. Wake up at 5 go to work for 6, go home at 4. Sleep and go out. n a way i am happy because I am working and making money, but i am wasteing life working. i know it, and i despise that it is true. GAH!! and another problem i drink way to much caffine when i am here - just destorying my stomach, thats cool (Y).

p.s - I like when customers ask me may name and then i have to repeat it like 5 or 6 times because they can't pronouce it and it the end - i just end up telling them my name is something it isn't because it is easier.

example:
cus:hey how are you? whats your name?
me:Brienne
cus: oh Brianne
me: uh,, no brienne like bri - n
cus: oh like brianne
me: ummm, no brienne (questionable look on my face)
cus: brianne?
me: you can call me brie
cus: brie?
me: yea like the cheese?
cus: oh cute!
me: OMFG!

i just don;t understand people and how incapable they can be - gawd.

anyway computer is going to die. payce/

at times like these.

At times like these, Pelican takes over my life and makes you realize music is amazing all over again. especially when work sucks and home sucks, this some how makes it seem worth it.

yea.

i love him.

in reality.

So, tomorrow i am going on the hunt for a new job. This job doesn't have to be amazing, but it must give me shifts. Currently at my place of employment i am stuck with bitch shifts that get left over because my manager is a lair and pomised me lots of hours but new employees are getting more then me, ridiculous? I think so. It is almost embarressing that i am staying there, only because it is a fun job, but in honestly i just want to go. it isn't fair that i am placed into it. gahhh! i can't believe i came back for this. i could've found an actual full time job in kingston and payed my rent and what not. Fuck, i am screwed. i don't have enough money for rent for june, or july so far. i need to find a new job.

I ventured out east to montreal for a night and spent 120, that is way to much money, because i am going to winsdsor this weekend to see andrew and i have no money. humm. really i am not in a good si tuation right not. i passed by kingston today and i missed it so much. i am such a baby when it comes to this, i know - but i can't help it. Today was just a bad day. i woke up like 216312786 times last night one of which was to puke my guts out, which ended in lots of dry heaving and nothing coming out. and waking up to my dry itchy throat and uncomfortable sheeting arrangments. 6 hour drive home, it is just a tired day.
i just want to sleep - but i can't. i am so tired. gahhh. and i work tomorrow.
i just want friday to come. that is all i really want.

first day of work.

...i'd be wrong.

and i was, fuck. work sucks my balls.
gah, i just wish i stayed in kingston. :(
plus, my feet hurt so much, never wear flats on a ten hours shift.
my allergies so so bad omg, every morning i wake up and can't even open my eyes cause they are like puffed shut (i look like a balloon) it is kinda silly really though. but now! my skin is mad dry.
i haven't seen ak in 4 days, it is so weird i miss him so much. gahh...
i work tomorrow too, with a kid named christian. never met him, new kids.
gah.

First day home.

Today i realized, as i was moving out from living on my own, going to school full time,i have to go home. coming home seemed so fun, but i am not work for a weeks? the reason why i didn't stay in kingston to begin with. I am already so frustrated with being here. And it is not being home, it is what reminds me of home and that i can't be in my own world. Yea, it is selfish but i miss ak so much, i miss just being silly, i miss going downtown. Oakville just fills me withs so many bad memories i can;t stand to stay. I think it is just because i am frustrated my room is disgusting and it is 2 in athe morning, i have to wait for my laundry to finish so i can't sleep on my bed, i tried 4 different mattress covers and none of them fit my fucking bed and all my clothes are dirty. i was looking forward to working becuase that way summer will go by quickly mand i would be back at school but fuck. i am not even on it yet. i wish i just stayed in kingston over the summer.

2 more things.

1. if you want to sing, please do not come to the library and hum
2. as tall as lions saved my life.

just one thing.

asians aren't assholes, they just don't care or recognize mistakes.

summer is here.

in reality i should be happy that i have a 4 month break to dick off and work. But actually I don't want to go. As much as i complained and hated it, i am going to miss it and everyone.

I have an exam tomorrow that i am not ready for. I have an assignment to tomorrow that is half wrong and not yet complete. I spent all my free time making andrew a card because he is leaving tomorrow when i shouldve been doing work. but it was too much fun. I love making cards and i am going to miss him so much.

It has been so nice everyday for the past week so, ultimately i can't focus. all i want to do it sit by the lake and tan or cuddle and not study, cause studying can suck my b.

I go home in like two days, and in a way i am sad and excited. I love being with my friends and family at home, and i miss my cat so much but i am going to miss being free at school. Although my dad isn't very limiting... humm. I am definitley going to miss andrew the most, ontario hall, fine arts, ban righ, side escapes, steps all that jazz, but i mean summer will be fun right?

camping? road trips? working ? (N)

schoooll will be awesome next year tho. I get my own house with my own room, back here near bedores. hujmmmm can't wait. but i should study now. cause i have exam tomorrow that i haven't started studying for yet. so yea.