I just want to go back.

it is too frustrating here. I can't get around anywhere, i spend all my fucking money on food and shit and i can't be with my baby. I hate this town, it is so cliche with everything in it. so ordinary so alike, it sickens me. I just want to go back and not have to depend on this house anymore because it always fucks up.
I am trying to prove i am independent but i am not, or they always make me feel like i am not. i just want to be able to not depend on anything anymore, cause then ill never get fucked over. gah, i am just so frustrated with being here wasting my days inside doing nothing, i am bored with myself so i spend money and become more dependent. i hate it here. i just want my baby and to go back.

Summer in the city

I found a song, well re-listened to a song by regina spektor and realized this so is amazing and lyrically lifting in a cynical kind of way.

Summer in the city means cleavage cleavage cleavage
And I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
I've been staying up and drinking in a late night establishment
Telling strangers personal things

Summer in the city, I'm so lonely lonely lonely
So I went to a protest just to rub up against strangers
And I did feel like coming but I also felt like crying
It doesn't seem so worth it right now

And the castrated ones stand in the corner smoking
They want to feel the bulges in their pants start to rise
At the site of a beautiful woman they feel nothing but
Anger, her skin makes them sick in the night nauseaous, nauseaous, nauseaous

Summer in the city, I'm so lonely lonely lonely
I've been hallucinating you, babe, at the backs of other women
And I tap on their shoulder and they turn around smiling
But there's no recognition in their eyes

Oh summer in the city means cleavage cleavage cleavage
And don't get me wrong, dear, in general I'm doing quite fine
It's just when it's summer in the city, and you're so long gone from the city
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes

When it's summer in the city
And you're so long gone from the city
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes


My baby is coming tonight, i am so excited i don't even know what to do with myself. i miss him so much. Basically listen to rural alberta advantage - The air. that is how i feel without him.

hum

honest question. do you think old people cheat of their elderly partners?
i mean if young people are unhappy in relationship - then must old people, they are at thhe last of their ages. I can
t even imagine finding out if you were the other perople (getting cheated on) so in love with the person that your with them for so long, that you choose to stay with them untill you die, and you find out the don't love you, and your left to mourn in thought i may never fall in love again. you only fall in love a limited amount of times in your life.
hum, just a question

on my own.

Honestly, I know working is good and you make money - and clearly I am one to talk because I think I spend an obscene amount of money on clothes, shoes, and accessories. But, I have to stop. It is getting out of hand because I need money for school because -
a) I go to school for art, meaning i have to pay for supplies OUCH!
b) I go to one of the most expensive schools in Ontario - Queens OUCH!
c) I am kinda a vegetarian/only buy organic food OUCH!
d) I have to buy art books and beyondddddd - OUCH.

So in reality I shouldn't go shopping every week and always buy something/buy food, when I can make it at home, or buy coffee seeing as how I get it at work for free.
Also, I spend money on trainsssss, lots of trains. Trains to toronto and back, Kingston and dearly Windsor (L). As much as I love going to these places and loove the people in these places - it is expensive, not to mention even driving. Goddamn gas.

I have had a splitting head ache all day and i freely chose to get cooffee, lovely. not fun. Also, my baby left to Chicago today. Even thought it is closer to me, i ccan;t hear his voice and it kills me. i miss him so much.

I just came up with the idea - I am going to make a shopping blog. I get bored alot and i like taking pictures so ill take picture of everything I buy/find/alter or stuff other people buy/find/alter.

starting nowwww or tomorrow. i am tired right now and have to wake up at 5.

IN ALL SINCERITY..

THIS MEANS THE WORLD TO ME. humm, what a beautiful song dedicated to being straight edge. <3 lulz.

i miss hardcore/puck and all it has to offer. Unlike new wave music that is out there, i am sorry but aka electroica, i feel like it is emotionless and unsatisfactory. I need something more energetic, lively i guess i mean something with background something that is wanted or needed to be said - and not just danceable (which it is all very danceable, but in a much more violent way) when I hear when people are passionate about this music, they seem so interested about what they are talking about and so concentrated and honestly i am sorry to the wonderful hipsters out there, i feel like i wasted my time on electronica/house/dance. I know in a way these artists make music to make music, and aren't just doing it so the sake of the scene surrounding it, or at least i hope not.


I am at work right now, like everyother day. Wake up at 5 go to work for 6, go home at 4. Sleep and go out. n a way i am happy because I am working and making money, but i am wasteing life working. i know it, and i despise that it is true. GAH!! and another problem i drink way to much caffine when i am here - just destorying my stomach, thats cool (Y).

p.s - I like when customers ask me may name and then i have to repeat it like 5 or 6 times because they can't pronouce it and it the end - i just end up telling them my name is something it isn't because it is easier.

example:
cus:hey how are you? whats your name?
me:Brienne
cus: oh Brianne
me: uh,, no brienne like bri - n
cus: oh like brianne
me: ummm, no brienne (questionable look on my face)
cus: brianne?
me: you can call me brie
cus: brie?
me: yea like the cheese?
cus: oh cute!
me: OMFG!

i just don;t understand people and how incapable they can be - gawd.

anyway computer is going to die. payce/

at times like these.

At times like these, Pelican takes over my life and makes you realize music is amazing all over again. especially when work sucks and home sucks, this some how makes it seem worth it.

yea.

i love him.

in reality.

So, tomorrow i am going on the hunt for a new job. This job doesn't have to be amazing, but it must give me shifts. Currently at my place of employment i am stuck with bitch shifts that get left over because my manager is a lair and pomised me lots of hours but new employees are getting more then me, ridiculous? I think so. It is almost embarressing that i am staying there, only because it is a fun job, but in honestly i just want to go. it isn't fair that i am placed into it. gahhh! i can't believe i came back for this. i could've found an actual full time job in kingston and payed my rent and what not. Fuck, i am screwed. i don't have enough money for rent for june, or july so far. i need to find a new job.

I ventured out east to montreal for a night and spent 120, that is way to much money, because i am going to winsdsor this weekend to see andrew and i have no money. humm. really i am not in a good si tuation right not. i passed by kingston today and i missed it so much. i am such a baby when it comes to this, i know - but i can't help it. Today was just a bad day. i woke up like 216312786 times last night one of which was to puke my guts out, which ended in lots of dry heaving and nothing coming out. and waking up to my dry itchy throat and uncomfortable sheeting arrangments. 6 hour drive home, it is just a tired day.
i just want to sleep - but i can't. i am so tired. gahhh. and i work tomorrow.
i just want friday to come. that is all i really want.

first day of work.

...i'd be wrong.

and i was, fuck. work sucks my balls.
gah, i just wish i stayed in kingston. :(
plus, my feet hurt so much, never wear flats on a ten hours shift.
my allergies so so bad omg, every morning i wake up and can't even open my eyes cause they are like puffed shut (i look like a balloon) it is kinda silly really though. but now! my skin is mad dry.
i haven't seen ak in 4 days, it is so weird i miss him so much. gahh...
i work tomorrow too, with a kid named christian. never met him, new kids.
gah.

First day home.

Today i realized, as i was moving out from living on my own, going to school full time,i have to go home. coming home seemed so fun, but i am not work for a weeks? the reason why i didn't stay in kingston to begin with. I am already so frustrated with being here. And it is not being home, it is what reminds me of home and that i can't be in my own world. Yea, it is selfish but i miss ak so much, i miss just being silly, i miss going downtown. Oakville just fills me withs so many bad memories i can;t stand to stay. I think it is just because i am frustrated my room is disgusting and it is 2 in athe morning, i have to wait for my laundry to finish so i can't sleep on my bed, i tried 4 different mattress covers and none of them fit my fucking bed and all my clothes are dirty. i was looking forward to working becuase that way summer will go by quickly mand i would be back at school but fuck. i am not even on it yet. i wish i just stayed in kingston over the summer.

2 more things.

1. if you want to sing, please do not come to the library and hum
2. as tall as lions saved my life.

just one thing.

asians aren't assholes, they just don't care or recognize mistakes.